The Transitional Years

Part of the reason I want to go back next year is because I am not getting any younger. The past 2 years gave me a little insight into what life after residency could be like, minus the salary. I think I want that sooner. Lord, is this what you want for me? Or is this just what I want for myself? I feel God saying he wants what I want - to serve people in this way. I don't know if next year is even a possibility. It could be 2025 if it's too late to do that now. It might be too late depending on what I have to do to get back. If I have to reapply and do a special audition rotation or whatever, it might not happen.  God, please let this work out. 

 Maybe 2024 is it? I think I want to go back earlier. Once again, I am tired of being stuck in a rut and would really just like to move on with my life. I am grateful for this opportunity to be in a better position for my health, but I don't know if it's hypomania talking, but maybe 2024 is it?  I think I am just in a tired haze. But I think, do I want to be here for another 2 years? Again, this is a really nice job. I have my own office and for the most part, make my own hours. I spent the afternoon just reflecting and taking a mental break because I am TIRED. Do I want to go back to being tired again because of a residency?  Pros: -I get to graduate in 2028 at 36 -Get that $300K earlier -Can help out my family earlier, especially if they move to Pittsburgh  -Start paying off private loan sooner  -I get to do what I love sooner  -I get to help patients in need of psychiatric care -I am feeling better about going back to clinical medicine, in general, despite all the bullshit.

 The idea of going back earlier somewhat excites me. Only because it would mean that I would be done faster. I am tired. I like my job in its flexibility, but I miss certain aspects of patient care. I don't miss inpatient care, but I miss knowing that I was actually making a tangible difference. My mindset has changed. Now that I realize that even changing the dosages on Metformin or titrating up the sliding scale insulin based on their current glucose - all of that makes a tangible difference in patient care. I am doing something.  Don't get me wrong, I am doing something in my current role as a research coordinator. I just wish the pay were higher. I really need to stop being envious of my friends who are off doing amazing things as attendings. I don't know their life. Whether you make $200 per hour or $15, as long as you need a paycheck to work, you need to work for a living. I think about the kids thing again and part of me is like, if I finish residency and start makin

I always ruminate about the things in life that didn't go my way or according to the plans I had for myself. But what about when things do go according to plan? What about when I do actually get what I want.  Some examples:  In 8th grade, I intended do the IB program. 4 years later I got my IB diploma  In my senior year of HS I intended to get accepted to a top college. And I did.  In college I knew I wanted to travel and I did. Multiple times.  After college I knew I wanted to go to med school via a one-year postbac. And I got accepted. In med school I knew I wanted to get a MA in Bioethics. And I did that.  I knew I wanted to match at my top choice residency program. And I did.  Bae and I knew we wanted to get married how and when we did. And we did. I knew I wanted to live in my apartment complex. And we still do almost 3 years later.  I got started my current job just a couple months after I quit residency.  I had a craving for Popeye's today and I got it. O.K., the last ex

I don't want to do another inpatient year. I only want to do child psych when I'm hypomanic and feel like I could do anything. But I can't. Or maybe it's my depression talking now?  When I fantasize about my future, I could see myself working at a few clinics specializing in the patient populations I am most interested in - college students and immigrants. But I wonder if I need CAP to do those things? I think it would help, but I don't need it. Dr. Eguono from Tuttleman didn't do CAP.  I also think about working at UPMC. If I can get PSLF in 8 years, that would free me up to work a better paying job elsewhere. 2019 OB is not the same as 2023 OB. Pre-BP OB is not the same as Post-BP OB. "I'm just trying to live," in all sense of the word. I think more about the places I want to travel then the work I want to do. 

 I came to Pitt to do child psych.  I wanted to be a child psychiatrist, but my bipolar disorder stopped me in my tracks. Is it meant to be? How do I balance living for the day with making plans for the future? Part of me expects to get disappointed because I am jaded. Life jaded me. I have a mustard seed of hope and apparently that's all you need. Just a little bit of faith that things will get better. I think a lot about what happened in residency. How I was more depressed than I realized because I had little actual insight to my disease. I learned to disconnect from it. It wasn't happening to me, it was the Mr. Hyde in me. I was going to be Dr. Osa, not Mrs. Benjamin, my manic depressive alter ego which bears some resemblance to the other Mrs. Benjamin - my mom. Even though she doesn't have bipolar disorder, boy did she go through her mood swings!!!! I'm no longer around her all the time, so I don't know what she's like now, but growing up, she was prone to e