Why I should do child psych

 I came to Pitt to do child psych. 

I wanted to be a child psychiatrist, but my bipolar disorder stopped me in my tracks. Is it meant to be? How do I balance living for the day with making plans for the future? Part of me expects to get disappointed because I am jaded. Life jaded me. I have a mustard seed of hope and apparently that's all you need. Just a little bit of faith that things will get better. I think a lot about what happened in residency. How I was more depressed than I realized because I had little actual insight to my disease. I learned to disconnect from it. It wasn't happening to me, it was the Mr. Hyde in me. I was going to be Dr. Osa, not Mrs. Benjamin, my manic depressive alter ego which bears some resemblance to the other Mrs. Benjamin - my mom. Even though she doesn't have bipolar disorder, boy did she go through her mood swings!!!! I'm no longer around her all the time, so I don't know what she's like now, but growing up, she was prone to emotional outbursts. OK, what was I talking about? Child psych. 

This morning's case inspired me more than it triggered me. I think it's because she was clearly depressed and there were no muddy waters. She had all the symptoms and I did put my psychiatrist hat on by offering her some resources. It inspired me to do child psych. It reminded me of why I like working with transitional age youth. They tend to have more mood disorders and suicidality, which I relate to the most. It's exhausting to interview the bipolar participant with very little insight into when she's depressed or manic. It's like pulling teeth. Anyhow, there are good cases and there are bad ones. Or just difficult ones. 

I don't want to give up on my dream and why I moved to Pittsburgh. I wanted to be a child, adolescent and adult psychiatrist. Why can't I do it? It's an extra difficult year, but the person I talked to about it had 3 kids, so it was especially hard for her. And like I will be, she's much older than the average resident. I think I peeped that she will be graduating residency at 42 next year. I would be 40. I'm going to be 40 anyways, I might as well be what I really want to be.