The Transitional Years

Surprisingly, this week I have been a little calmer about residency. I haven't heard back from Dr. T and maybe ignorance is bliss? I can't separate my intuition from anxiety. What is my gut saying? I don't really know. I am hopeful, but also cautious. He could crush my dreams in one email and then I have to be content with making what I am making for a while. Lord, I pray that you make a way for me to have my debt paid off. Though I do want to be a psychiatrist, I don't want it to be the thing that ends me. Should I email him back? He's probably busy with orientation and the start of intern year. What if I get bad news? At least I will know. 

Part of the reason I want to go back next year is because I am not getting any younger. The past 2 years gave me a little insight into what life after residency could be like, minus the salary. I think I want that sooner. Lord, is this what you want for me? Or is this just what I want for myself? I feel God saying he wants what I want - to serve people in this way. I don't know if next year is even a possibility. It could be 2025 if it's too late to do that now. It might be too late depending on what I have to do to get back. If I have to reapply and do a special audition rotation or whatever, it might not happen.  God, please let this work out. 

 Maybe 2024 is it? I think I want to go back earlier. Once again, I am tired of being stuck in a rut and would really just like to move on with my life. I am grateful for this opportunity to be in a better position for my health, but I don't know if it's hypomania talking, but maybe 2024 is it?  I think I am just in a tired haze. But I think, do I want to be here for another 2 years? Again, this is a really nice job. I have my own office and for the most part, make my own hours. I spent the afternoon just reflecting and taking a mental break because I am TIRED. Do I want to go back to being tired again because of a residency?  Pros: -I get to graduate in 2028 at 36 -Get that $300K earlier -Can help out my family earlier, especially if they move to Pittsburgh  -Start paying off private loan sooner  -I get to do what I love sooner  -I get to help patients in need of psychiatric care -I am feeling better about going back to clinical medicine, in general, despite all the bullshit.

 The idea of going back earlier somewhat excites me. Only because it would mean that I would be done faster. I am tired. I like my job in its flexibility, but I miss certain aspects of patient care. I don't miss inpatient care, but I miss knowing that I was actually making a tangible difference. My mindset has changed. Now that I realize that even changing the dosages on Metformin or titrating up the sliding scale insulin based on their current glucose - all of that makes a tangible difference in patient care. I am doing something.  Don't get me wrong, I am doing something in my current role as a research coordinator. I just wish the pay were higher. I really need to stop being envious of my friends who are off doing amazing things as attendings. I don't know their life. Whether you make $200 per hour or $15, as long as you need a paycheck to work, you need to work for a living. I think about the kids thing again and part of me is like, if I finish residency and start makin