The Transitional Years

I always ruminate about the things in life that didn't go my way or according to the plans I had for myself. But what about when things do go according to plan? What about when I do actually get what I want.  Some examples:  In 8th grade, I intended do the IB program. 4 years later I got my IB diploma  In my senior year of HS I intended to get accepted to a top college. And I did.  In college I knew I wanted to travel and I did. Multiple times.  After college I knew I wanted to go to med school via a one-year postbac. And I got accepted. In med school I knew I wanted to get a MA in Bioethics. And I did that.  I knew I wanted to match at my top choice residency program. And I did.  Bae and I knew we wanted to get married how and when we did. And we did. I knew I wanted to live in my apartment complex. And we still do almost 3 years later.  I got started my current job just a couple months after I quit residency.  I had a craving for Popeye's t...

I don't want to do another inpatient year. I only want to do child psych when I'm hypomanic and feel like I could do anything. But I can't. Or maybe it's my depression talking now?  When I fantasize about my future, I could see myself working at a few clinics specializing in the patient populations I am most interested in - college students and immigrants. But I wonder if I need CAP to do those things? I think it would help, but I don't need it. Dr. Eguono from Tuttleman didn't do CAP.  I also think about working at UPMC. If I can get PSLF in 8 years, that would free me up to work a better paying job elsewhere. 2019 OB is not the same as 2023 OB. Pre-BP OB is not the same as Post-BP OB. "I'm just trying to live," in all sense of the word. I think more about the places I want to travel then the work I want to do. 

 I came to Pitt to do child psych.  I wanted to be a child psychiatrist, but my bipolar disorder stopped me in my tracks. Is it meant to be? How do I balance living for the day with making plans for the future? Part of me expects to get disappointed because I am jaded. Life jaded me. I have a mustard seed of hope and apparently that's all you need. Just a little bit of faith that things will get better. I think a lot about what happened in residency. How I was more depressed than I realized because I had little actual insight to my disease. I learned to disconnect from it. It wasn't happening to me, it was the Mr. Hyde in me. I was going to be Dr. Osa, not Mrs. Benjamin, my manic depressive alter ego which bears some resemblance to the other Mrs. Benjamin - my mom. Even though she doesn't have bipolar disorder, boy did she go through her mood swings!!!! I'm no longer around her all the time, so I don't know what she's like now, but growing up, she was prone to e...

 I have 3 blogs from different parts of my life - my IB years from high school, my college years, a little bit of my post-bac year. Now, I am in the midst of my second going on to third "transitional" year. It's the time I make the transition from PGY1 to fingers crossed, back again for PGY1 in a few years. All I know is to expect the unexpected.  I think I forgot about these blogs because g-docs took over. I wrote single google docs during med school until I started writing "Freedom From Anxiety" when my anxiety was through the roof M3. I had a lot to be anxious about. I had found out that my boyfriend was emotionally cheating. I have to write emotionally cheating to make myself feel a tad bit better about it. Even though he swears he didn't do anything physical, it still haunts me....whenever I get triggered. I think I might keep "Freedom Journal" for now. With this blog, I will officially have my truth journal, Freedom journal and wordpress webs...